Indulgence

The one where I take time out to feel sorry for myself

I know I've fucked up. In fact, if one were to be perfectly honest, I am a fuck-up. She didn't have to say it - none of them did; the silences and pauses said it all, clearly - plainly. There's probably little that can be politely said to the loser that refuses to get back up from the ground. Therein lies the problem: that I have chosen to remain on the ground for so long, content with scraps, and constantly scared and ashamed even of my own shadow. She was right to dismiss me and everything I said. I could find no argument. And even though I could have given excuses, I could offer no argument. Reasons and caveats piled up in mind, but I could offer up no arguments. She was right and I acceded. She wants to part and I saw in it her thinking that it might be the best way for her to keep her sanity. So it goes. No excuses.

Having said all that, the rot stops now. I will arise out of my rut, go farther than I have gone before, and say "I wish you had believed in me despite all that had happened. I wish you could have conjured up just a little faith when I asked for... a little rope." Those declarations will not come from a place of malice, just from a realisation.

It is time to wake up. It's time I rediscovered my confidence. No excuses, just existence.

New Year, No Resolutions

It feels like it's been a century since I last crapped in this here bog. A New Year has come - full circle in the human conception - and I feel I should continue posting my messages to my future self - writings exist in history; bringing us news from the past; reminding what we will be of what we once were; subtly erasing the death lines.

I loved 2008. In its own way it taught me many things I ought to know, and I truly hate to see it go. However, time marches on. The future beckons. I have no firm decisions that might be counted as resolutions, so I probably should refrain from solidifying any of my options through typing them. What comes to mind, though, is that I want to write, read, love and learn to a great degree this year. Yes, I think I'll do those. I'll start with those and see what happens next. It's 2009, and it, too, will die soon. The trick is to make sure it doesn't waste away.

Happy New Year, fellow traveller.